Momsomnia.

You know you're a sleep-deprived mom when...

... you find yourself scarfing a peanut-butter english muffin, while cleaning poop out of an infant bath tub, all before the clock strikes 9:00am. Once both tasks are completed, you notice an unidentifiable brown substance lingering on your finger, and without hesitation, lick your finger to determine the source of the substance. 

... you leave your demanding 22 pound fever//teether unsupervised in a room, because, PRAISE BE, he decided to stop crying for two glorious minutes. Curiosity finally gets the best of you, so you quietly peek your head around the corner, only to find your happy little drooler joyfully chewing the metal prongs off your plugged-in iPhone charger.

Looks like baby proofing and catching up on some non-existent sleep should be added to the weekend to-do list. Keyword: should.